Written by in BlogMay 15th, 2012

I wrote about NFL great Ricky Williams in the chapter “Lost Opportunity.” Since then, I have wondered if Ricky would eventually return to marijuana once his football career was finished. I think the following post Ricky wrote on his blog answers the question. It’s an incredible read with incredible insight. Enjoy.

Dr. Tony

It being the day after 4:20, and after reading the stupidity of people’s tweets to me about how much, “I am enjoying the day?”

Yes, I had an incredible day, did I need to smoke to do so? No, that’s just it, they did, and since they have no idea how to enjoy themselves or their lives without it, they figure I must be doing the same thing.

I am not judging smoking. Hell, I did it myself for a few years. My first drug of choice was sports and when that stopped working, I found marijuana. After that stopped working, I found Yoga and then spirituality. I finally got “clean” when I realized I was getting high on all these things in order to avoid the pain of not needing them. When I was finally willing to bear that pain, I was finally able to get a glimpse of how wonderful I am.

What? What the hell was I doing and why was my greatness so painful? I started to have the awareness that every time I was myself, very few people were able to see or receive the incredible contribution I was willing to be. I realized the pain I was trying to avoid wasn’t mine, it was the pain of all the people who weren’t able to receive anything but their judgments of themselves.

The way this usually shows up for them is their inability to see how life can be fun. They have so many fixed points of view about all the reasons life has to be difficult as if those justifications will provide some relief? They just make the situation worse. You can justify limitations hoping that will make them go away. Doesn’t it just lock them into place because every time you try to change and have more of life, the justifications you hold always convince you that change is impossible.

What does all this have to do with 4:20?

The day and the daily 4:20 ritual is not what you think it is.

4/20 is not International Smoking Day or time, but it’s the day and time for you to take a puff of yourself, inhale and enjoy the incredible high that you truly are. We use drugs of all sorts to experience something “more.” What could possibly be more than you? Nothing, it’s impossible.

The problem is that people rarely have had the experience of themselves. They only experience all the judgments that have been imposed on them throughout their entire lives. How young are we when we begin to hear from our parents how everything we do is wrong? We learn very early that there is little value in being ourselves, so we decide to try and be what we are supposed to be, even though that’s always changing depending on who, where, what, and how.

I remember the first time I got high. I was going through a bad break-up with my girlfriend, and I was miserable. I was defining myself as the “big stud football player” that everyone loved. For my own girlfriend to not want me and choose someone else instead, completely destroyed my image of myself that I mistakenly believed was me.

When I got on the “J,” all the judgments of who or what I was supposed to be disappeared, and all that was left was me. Wow! I was hooked. No matter what was taking place on the outside, no matter what people expected of me or who they expected me to be, I could always escape it and commune with Mary J. Of course at the time I had no idea what was going on. I thought weed was a drug that got me high. I was functioning from a lie, functioning from judgment. Judgment that I was bad and weed was good, so it made me better. I was creating my life and reality from a limitation.

My life isn’t what it’s supposed to be so I must create something better by smoking.

What would it have looked like if I knew what I know now? If I knew that all I had to do was choose me instead of the titles and roles, and the need to define myself as this or that. I would be high all day every day without the need to project and give the greatness of me to a plant.

Don’t get me wrong; she’s a beautiful plant and I will be grateful to her forever for facilitating me into more awareness. A true contribution aims to give us more of us. Are you allowing your vices and guilty pleasures to be a contribution, or are you using them to create a slow and painful death? Every time we do judgment (as good OR bad) we are killing ourselves by invalidating the awesomeness of us. Like we could possibly be anything but incredible. It’s amazing what is available to us once we choose ourselves.

All the stories of what people will do to “score” their drug of choice. What if we were willing to do all those things to “score” ourselves? When we think smoking or whatever is the source for our happiness, peace, or clarity, it’s a huge lie and serves to lock into place the bigger lie that we aren’t happiness and peace and clarity embodied. It makes all those things impossible to be.

When you have the balls to put those things down and experience YOU, what you’ll get back is the joy of being you, no matter what you are doing. You create the space to be JOY embodied no matter what you are doing (even smoking). You see, most people smoke from judgment, so they aren’t even able to enjoy it. They have to deal with the judgment about it, whether it’s coming from their parents, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends or society. When you function as you, you do you and don’t care what anyone thinks. You lose the world and gain yourself.

How does it get any better than that?

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